DAY NINETY-SIX
Maristel blogs: A MUST READ: Just Can't Take it Anymore...

Yesterday was not the exact day I have been seeing in my mind for some time lately... I woke up early yesterday... Thinking of things to do... Like for our next outing at Pansol, Laguna (again?!?!)... So I was thinking of what I have to bring... But some bad news came... That my Dad was planning to bring 3 girls at the Villa. So we decided, not to push through that plan... I also heard that my Dad's dating a new lad, from Tarlac. And that he's planning to bring the lad @ Baguio this Friday... My heart's been aching and it's tearing me apart... I want to shout! I want to scream! I wanna get mad! I wanna CRY...

I feel so fed up! It's like all my life, what I'm doing is understand him... Love the women that came into his life... Respect them and love them more than what my dad can offer... I dunno, why there are men that's like that. I feel like I'm inside an empty box... That can't breathe...

Then yesterday while I was having my siesta with my Mom and Karen... My brother called me up on the phone... The conversation was like:
MATS: Hello!
RJ: Hello Mats, sandali...
then suddenly I have this feeling that he's not the one who wants to talk to me...
DAD: Ano? Dito ba kayo kakain?
MATS: Ako po hindi. Aalis po kasi ako...
DAD: Sila Doinx nasan?
MATS: Hindi ko po alam. Umalis sila kanina eh...
DAD: Siguro magtatagal sila noh?
MATS: Text nyo na lang po. Alam ko sa NBI and sa WPD lang sila pupunta...
DAD: O sige...

So that's it! What a conversation, right? I was just having this not-so-well feeling that I might be going there and end up doing nothing and worst... Hear words that will definitely break my heart... I wasn't wrong...

Around 12midnight, my brother arrived from Bacood... He has Kare-Kare that Mannique cooked for my Dad and the rest of the fellas at my Dad's place...

We prepared the dining table so we can have our late dinner... I sat in my usual dining chair, just clicking the plate... When my brother placed his clutch bag on the china cabinet and sat in his usual chair... He told me, "Napakadami ng sinabing masama ni Daddy tungkol sa'yo... Masama daw ang loob niya sa'yo... Kesyo sabi mo raw nung minsan, nakakumpirmiso na yung mga aso mo sa ibang tao... PARE-PAREHO lang naman daw ang KULAY NG PERA..."

I am totally clueless on what he said... All of a sudden there I was... My tears fallin'...

Masakit lang kasi, if there was this "kinumpirmiso" na sa ibang tao thing... That's just one puppy... Our friend Bong Aycocho has been expecting for a puppy since last year pa. Nakakahiya lang naman kung di ko pa din siya mapagbibigyan. Ganun din naman, kung ibebenta ko, same price pa din naman, mas mura pa nga ang benta ko sa dad ko... What hurts the most was, lahat daw ng puppies para na daw sa ibang tao ko na ibebenta... Tapos biglang siya daw ang last option ko... Hindi yun eh... Meron akong isang salita... I told him sa kanya ko lahat ibebenta... Kasalanan ko bang mahalin yung dalawang puppies na ngayon inaalagaan ko na... Katabi ko pa sa pagtulog... Pinadala ko na sa kanya the other night yung dalawang puppies pa na sobrang mahal ko na din... It's not that easy leeting go of something na napamahal na sa'yo... Like yung naunang german sheperd that he bought to me, masakit for me, kasi he brought the puppies at Pampanga, and yun namatay... Andun na ko, binayaran niya ako... But the effort that I gave, the love and time that I gave for the puppies that's my point... He once told me that he will bring the Japanese Spitz that I gave him 2 years ago at Pampanga... Ganun din daw yung mga puppies na bibilin niya sa kin... Okay na nga eh... Yung isa I brought it at Metrobank, G. Araneta - Quezon Ave. Branch. The Manager there is a friend of my Dad kasi, and he gave the puppy to her as a gift... The thought is... PARE-PAREHO LANG PALA FOR HIM ANG KULAY NG PERA... Bakit hanggang ngayon di niya pa ako binayaran sa aso na yun?

Second, kahit nakikita ko namakapal ang pera na hawak ng kapatid, ENVY or JEALOUSY never ever popped into my my mind... I know pinaghirapan ng kapatid ko yun sa company ng Dad ko... Alam ko malaki ang pakinabang ng Daddy ko sa kapatid ko. Kung anung meron ng kapatid ko, I'm happy for him. Bigyan niya ako or hindi, it doesn't matter.

I remember... If I am not mistaken April 19 this year... While we are at Pansol Laguna... Around 3:30 am I saw him talking to some women sa may comfort room... Then he blocked my way may be because he thought that I might confront the women and asked them why my Dad's talking to them... My Dad suddenly grabbed me by the arm ang gave me the tightest embrace ever... He whispered to me these words... " 'nak kapag nabenta ko yung Pajero natin, promise ko sa'yo - bibigyan kita ng 50,000..." I remember, I told him "No. I don't need that... Usapang lasing 'to, I know bukas nakalimutan mo na 'to" He told me, "Hindi, 'nak... pangako yan... Tapos, hintayin mo mabenta yung lupa natin sa Paco, bibigyan kita ng kalahating million, kaya lang baka ubusin mo na naman agad..." Simple lang sinagot ko sa kanya, "Yung huli mong binigay napunta sa pagpapagawa ko ng Barbershop, tapos yung iba pinaayos ko yung kwarto..." Sabi lang niya, "Oo nga pala no! Basta kapag nabents yung Pajero, wait ka lang..." Those was his last words for me... But right deep in my heart, I never expect... I know I might get hurt in return, mas masakit yung ganun...

So, I think a week ago, I was at my Dad's place nung mabenta yung Pajero. I was sitting next to him on the couch when he counted some bills from his pocket and gave it to my brother... But since I was in their middle, I grabbed the money... Sabi ko lang, pahawak naman... I count the money... Uy, 25k!!!" Then I gave it to my brother... No heart feelings, I know right then and there wala akong matatanggap from him... So we went home... I went hope empty-handed... It's fine with me... Okay lang naman lagi sa'kin eh... I am the type of person who doesn't know how to demand... Hindi ako mapag-hanap... Hindi din ako reklamador...

So last night, while I was having a cigarette after our late dinner, I was doing some thinkings... I was talking to my brother's wife, Karen... Here's what I thought... Pare-pareho naman pala ang kulay ng pera di ba? Sana nung nabenta niya yung Pajero ano ba namang inabutan niya ko ng pera na kulay UBE (100) or yung kulay PULA (50) or yung kulay ORANGE (20) or worst kahit sampung piso lang... Pare-pareho lang naman pala kulay ng pera eh... Gustong gusto kong umiyak... Di ko na kaya lahat ng sinabi niya... Ginatungan pa daw ni Mannique (his other woman) na "Tuta lang lang naman yun... Para tuta lang, bakit kailangan pang bayaran?" First, when I asked my brother to bring the puppies at his place... Di ko naman sinabi sa kapatid ko na kunin nya yung bayad para sa mga aso... Di ako naningil... I did not even text him, telling him na anjan na yung mga tuta pakipadala na lang kay RJ yung bayad! Wala yung ganung salita... Sobrang sakit! Parang dinudurog ako!

You know what? I have a lot in mind right now... There has been a lot of sacrifices on my side that I did for him... I did not have any side comments or what-so-ever... I kept quiet for a long time. I was 5 years old when he left our family... My Mom gave birth to my brother, 1984 when he started doing stuffs like that. Nagkaroon ako ng dalwang kapatid all on my father's side... The first one was Nica, my Dad doesn't know that I was secretly meeting the child and his Mom. i treated them out... Watched movies, ate out (Eastwood) and bought a lot of clothes and books for her... I know kasi kapatid ko sya. So I think - I have to do what all Ate's have to do for their younger sister... Before pa magdecide ang Dad ko na ipakilala sa kin yung bata, di niya alam, I am acquainted with them na... I've never been an "evil sister" I have never been mean. Instead minahal ko yung bata, even her Mom, Mannique... All of those, I am doing it not to get a good attitude or personality for others... I am not coming in clean for them... I am doing it for my Dad coz HIS HAPPINESS means A LOT TO ME...

When I was a child there are only 2 dreams I want to pursue... It's either to become a DOCTOR or a FLIGHT STEWARDEES... I graduated Bachelor of Science major in Psychology at Far Eastern University, Year 2000. I decided to take a break for a sem... October, I went back at my Dad's place and told him that I made up my mind, and I want to continue and take Medicine... He refused to. Gastos lang daw yun! Masakit! Ang dami niyang pera, it was his dream din naman for me... It has always been his reponsibility as father to provide things for his children. Pero lahat ng responsibilidad niya like sending me to school and napagraduate niya ako, lagi na lang niyang sinusumbat sa akin... Alam ko malaki ang utang na loob ko sa kanya, but it's his responsibility, it's his obligation as a father. So I end up frustrating... Ang yaman niya, I was never the type of daughter who gets what I want... I was never spoiled... I have never been a Daddy's Girl... So, I started up a small business... A playstation House... Then I sell Facial and Beauty Soaps, Longganizas, Loads and other stuffs... Got my first 100k on my savings account Year 2004... Bought my first cellphone when I was in college with my own money... Ngayon naka N70 na ako and not a single centavo came from him. Lahat, sariling sikip! I strived hard to get what I want in my life. To pamper myself. To give myself the things that I long waited for my Dad to give me - but he did not...

My dad made me stronger... From him I learned to hide what my real feeling are... I always have to smile and laugh on things eventhough it hurts... Ayaw na ayaw niya ng umiiyak kapag pinagsasabihan niya, so that's what I did... I learned to answer his accusations and different stuffs that we always argue with... Minsan nga pakiramdam ko... MANHID na ako... Kasi paulit-ulit lang naman yung nangyayari sa amin... Parang sirang plaka... But what I heard last night - that's what HIT me straight from the heart... Di ko na kaya! I swear... All my life, I wanted him to be proud of me... For him to be happy, pero lahat ng ginagawa ko, kulang para sa kanya... He don't know how to appreciate things... He doesn't know how to show love for the people who truly loves him...

With this blog, I was able to release all my pent up emotions... Sukdulan na... I can't take this anymore... I know he will never ever change... I just hope wag na nya hayaan na may mawala na malapit sa kanya just for him to realize things and do good for others...

Anyway, it's me Mats signing off... till my next update...

To my fellow VHs, I am missing you much... :)

pics attached:
-->>> 1st, New Year 2005
-->>> 2nd, My brother and my cousin's Bday August 2005
-->>> 3rd, my Dad with Viobeth (with a son, Ravio)
-->>> 4th, my Dad with Mannique (Nica's Mom)
-->>> 5th, Me, my brother RJ and Nica
-->>> 6th, Me and Ravio...